Mental health articles

Emotional processing and control
There are two predominant anxieties of toddler years—separation anxiety and
fear of disapproval (Lieberman, 1993). The toddler has to learn to satisfy
curiosity and explore while remaining close enough to the parent to feel safe,
and balance asserting his own will with maintaining the parent’s approval.
As an intensely curious being and explorer the toddler experiences a range
of emotions in pursuit of goals, for example, sharing with the parent or caregiver
delight in discovering a butterfly in the garden. However, a toddler can just as
easily be apprehensive about a discovery.
EXAMPLE
Sixteen-month-old Harper noticed the leaves of a plant swaying gently in the
breeze. She ran to her grandmother, pointing at the leaves and making
apprehensive sounds. Her grandmother squatted to Harper’s level and in a very
reassuring tone assured Harper that it was nothing to be afraid of, pointing to
other evidence of wind in the garden.

Given that the toddler wants—in fact, needs—to make decisions for himself,
it is inevitable that the toddler will also experience a range of negative emotions.
If toddlers want something, they want it now; they are not capable of delayed
gratification. If the parent says no to the toddler, thwarting the toddler’s desire
in some way, but also allowing the toddler to protest, he learns a valuable lesson.
Being able to have a range of emotions is healthy for the toddler. However, the
toddler will only be able to give expression to the range of emotions if the
caregiving adults can tolerate the range. If the caregiver disapproves of negative
emotions then those emotions will be inhibited.
Lieberman (1994) sees a parallel between the physical secure base behaviour
of the toddler, whose parent is able to let the toddler explore, simultaneously
keeping a watchful eye on the toddler and letting the toddler return for comfort
or reassurance as required, and the parent allowing the toddler to give
expression to a range of emotions, including frustration, disappointment, anger,
defiance and despair. The toddler learns that he is separate from the parent, that
disagreements are inevitable in separate people and that the expression of
negative feelings can be lived through, experienced and overcome.

Lieberman (1994) says that ‘when the adults manage to remain emotionally
available even while firm in their position, they also teach the child that he will
not be abandoned during difficult moments, that momentary rage will not result in lasting alienation, and that there is calm after the storm. This experience of a well-managed tantrum is the emotional equivalent of secure base behaviour’
. Over time, and many well-managed tantrums later, the toddler gradually
internalises the loving, accepting image of his parents.