Mental health articles

Essential tasks of parenting in the toddler period
Parenting a toddler is a challenge to any parent. Parents who find the high
demands but dependency of the baby enjoyable and rewarding are often
nonplussed with the energy, determination and contrariness of the toddler. The
common characteristics of the toddler are developmentally determined, not a
factor of personality. In several studies where toddlers and mothers were
observed in natural settings, mild to moderate conflicts took place once every three minutes, with major conflicts three per hour (Forehand, King, Peed &
Yoder, 1975; Minton, Kagan & Levine, 1971; Patterson, 1980). The conflicts
reduced as age increased with two to three year olds having twice as many
conflicts as four to five year olds.
Perhaps essential to successfully parenting a toddler is being able to see the
situation from the toddler’s point of view, the challenges the toddler is trying to resolve. It is inevitable there will be conflict as the toddler strives to become his
own person, attempting to meet his own needs while learning to be mindful of
the needs of others. Optimally, a dynamic partnership emerges from the secure base of infancy, where the parent is aware of his own needs and responsibilities yet holds in mind those of his toddler.
Common factors in disagreements between parents and toddlers include:
different perceptions about what is safe and what is not; the toddler’s desire to have or do, ‘right now’; the negativism and determination as the toddler’s sense of self gains voice; and the seeming inevitable temper tantrum when the parent
says no. Attempting to gain an understanding of how the toddler views things,
and respecting his developmental needs, while at times being lovingly firm, is
the basis of the effective partnership. (See Lieberman, 1993, for a discussion of these factors, and how they can be understood and worked through.)
Many parents may be affected by factors that make parenting a toddler
difficult; for example, doing it in isolation, no previous experience, many
different demands at any given time and no-one available to assist or help them understand why it is so difficult. In addition, parents also vary in their own experience of parenting. This will influence how they will parent. The automatic experience is that parents will parent in the same way they were parented unless
they are seriously determined not to do so, and have done something about
making sure that doesn’t happen.
Parents who remember strict or harsh parenting are often determined to do
it differently. The pendulum swings to the other extreme. Terrified of repeating
the harshness, they are loath to say no to the toddler, denying the toddler
reasonable limits. When they do attempt to set limits, the toddler’s defiance and
temper tantrum touches the memory of the harsh parent and the victim child.
The current parent, in self-defence, becomes the authoritarian parent meting out punishment. Alternatively, the parent gives in to the child, determined not to repeat his childhood, but does so reluctantly, even angrily, so neither child nor parent feels good about the outcome.
A parent with a history of neglect and deprivation also has an internal model
of parenting that is not conducive to a dynamic partnership of negotiating
conflict, finding resolution or agreeing to differ. Often these parents have
struggled to be there for their infant to enable the infant to develop a secure base from which to explore the world physically and emotionally. These parents can
feel overwhelmed by the emotional energy and negativism of the toddler and feel that the toddler is targeting them specifically. They feel disappointed that their child doesn’t like them. They fail to set appropriate limits as they try to gain the toddler’s affection and are confused when it doesn’t work. Very often they are
trying to be good parents. When conflict arises, and the parent acquiesces, the toddler may have been successful in asserting himself in the short term, but the parent is frustrated, and the child feels uneasy.
In situations of necessity, if parents are able to be quietly and gently firm, the
child has a sense of security, trusting that the parents he loves know what is best for him. It is the repetition of this experience dozens of times in the toddler years
that is the development of the dynamic partnership of cooperation. Remaining
calm in the face of strong opposition and demonstrating control of one’s
emotions and feelings is a model for the toddler. This is particularly so when it is followed by warm reconciliation or respectful acknowledgement of difference.