Mental health articles

PREVIOUS HISTORY OF ABUSE
How we were parented affects how we are as parents (van IJzendoorn, 1992). If the experience of being parented was abusive or inadequate, there may be
difficulties in adjusting to parenthood and parenting. All expectant and new
parents reconsider their experience of being parented and growing up in their
family of origin and sometimes make a clear and conscious decision to do it
differently. Couples also have to negotiate their different family experiences and expectations.
Some anxieties about parenting or the changes that becoming a parent will
bring are based on unconscious experiences from the past. Conflict can be stored in implicit or procedural memory and may manifest as depression or anxiety.
Most of us cannot consciously remember much before three years of age, but the early years have a profound effect on our development and our later capacity for relationships. Much of what we cannot recall in a narrative sense is stored in procedural memory and comes into play when we have children of our own. Not
all that is reactivated from our own past is conscious or immediately available to recall or discussion. Winnicott (1987) puts it this way: ‘After all she was a baby once and she has in her the memories of being a baby; she also has memories of being cared for, and these memories either help or hinder her in her own experience as a mother’ (p. 6).
Practical and emotional support from extended family can help the
adjustment to parenting. But for some families, the extended family is a source of stress or conflict, either by absence or intrusive involvement that is
experienced as critical or because of ongoing conflicted or abusive relationships.
At such a vulnerable time, it can be hard for the parents and in-laws to get the balance of support and independence quite right.

Tags: abuse