Self-Esteem and Relationships

Self-Esteem and Relationships
When students seek friends or romantic partners, their identities and selfesteem
are of course involved. Th ose students who lack self-esteem may fall
into the trap famously described by Groucho Marx, “I wouldn’t join any club
that would have me as a member.” Th ese students may be quick to dismiss
or disrespect potential friends or romantic partners who accept them. Th ere
is always something wrong with the other person, they explain, and they
wonder why they simply can’t fi nd an appropriate set of friends or a suitable
partner, or why all people fall short of their expectations. While it’s true
that many potential relationships are wrong, a consistent pattern of noncommitment
and of rejecting possibilities for connection signals self-esteem
diffi culties—or, according to the psychodynamic perspective, narcissistic
diffi culties.
Students who lack self-esteem may also gravitate toward people who do
not accept them, who instead are critical, self-absorbed, or overtly dismissive.
Th ese students may then engage in a long campaign to change the other
persons, to win their love and respect. In these cases, not only don’t these
students feel worthy of someone who might value them in turn, but, from an
object relations perspective, they are drawn to depriving “objects”—people
who are attractive precisely because they are rejecting. Th e unconscious hope
is that by changing the unavailable and rejecting person’s opinion, they can
earn self-worth at last. From a historical point of view, of course, they are
unconsciously replicating their family history of feeling unloved and rejected,
while at the same time hoping to change the outcome.